And what's really sad is that he's bringing me down with him. Everyone knows the trials I've been trough putting up with The Ex. I thought I could put that all behind me, and was looking forward to finally getting back to normal. Everyone that's seen me lately knows how much happier I've been. It was really looking like I could put this all behind me especially after he called me at work and stated that he was fine everything was okay. Sure he called me right after work that same day and had another melt-down, which we're all used to, but he immediately turned around and stated that it was only because he was lonely. So fine, I understand that, people get lonely. I think if it wasn't for Adam I'd go a little crazy myself. But then he calls and starts harrassing me again this weekend, first he wanted to get back together and even asked me to marry him, which should have totally tripped my "your crazy" alarm, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually indulged in the idea that maybe it could work. When it became clear that I couldn't choose him over Adam he went absolutely beserk! Yeah, I know, everyone has told me so, I'm an idiot. Regardless, I think it's finally over. Before I was scared of saying anything wrong to set him off, but today was the last straw and maybe I did do some crazy things and said hurtful things but I believe they were necessary to get him off my back.

It's sad that he cannot be grown enough to just leave things alone, which is why I might have to put this site under construction. It's seriously come to a point that I feel I have to hide to avoid him. I might even have to change my number which sucks because ever since he broke my last phone I haven't fully recovered everyone's numbers. (If I haven't called lately call me so I can jot your number down.) Right now I just can't handle all this drama. I have to concentrate on school and work, and I have a new relationship I'm trying to start without all this BS.

I'm grateful Adam has been totally supportive so far. He's not been totally inquisitve when I walk in just absolutely worn down by everything The Ex has put me through. Just the usual "Is he going crazy again?" and I nod and it's understood that the phone will be blowing up with messages all night. What else can we do but ride this out? Eventually he'll find someone else to torture. At this point I'm wishing his ex prior would have wanted him back. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck with this dilemma. But at that point she probably already knew better. Live and learn.

Let's not confuse (or alarm anyone) I didn't get a puppy, Adam did and he is absolutely adorable (I'm talking about the puppy.)

Sagittarius

Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Any discouraging signs you've been seeing lately shouldn't get you down -- the road you're on has quite a few twists and turns, and you need to be ready to take them as they come. Things are way better than you think right now, so what's with this cloud of gloom and doom? Flush it out with a healthy dose of good humor and you can get back on track with a brighter attitude. You are much closer to your goal than you realize, so keep on going.

I called Adam this morning and found out that he ended up taking the dog he was looking at yesterday home. We've been text messaging back and forth on names and such. Actually he's in training and being naughty, so he's in trouble because I told him to stop texting dirty things and wait until after work. Anyway I think he settled on naming the puppy Duke. What a geeky name but he did get adopted by the best guy possible so...lucky dog! After work I'm going to buy Duke a welcome home present and go to visit, maybe I can train him to attack Molly on site.

Also The Lake House is coming out this Friday which I've been waiting on for awhile. I'm gonna beg Adam to take me so he can watch me cry. Hahahahahha!

I've got homework and stuff but it's all pretty easy so no worries. I might even go swimming this weekend, I've been wanting to since the garage sale at Mom's. The stickiness stayed with me.

Anyway, I'm taking the camera to take pics of Adam and Duke so maybe Becky will get to see more pics and finally make up her mind. Y'know that's all I've been waiting on.

The research assignment I've been complaining about finally turned in at 1:09am. I'm so kickin' I felt I should share...

Message no. 56

Author: Jennifer Alonso

Date: Tuesday, June 13, 2006 1:19am

http://www.joinwow.com

The purpose seems to be to create a community setting for webmasters of all levels encouraging continued education through articles, certification programs, forums, etc. Even if the coder decided not to take advantage of the certification programs they can keep up on the latest trends in programming through online discussions and tutorials.

Membership pricing:
Student $49
Govt/Education $69
Individual $89
Corporate - not noted must contact assigned member.

What caught my eye more are the certification programs which I feel could aid in accelerating my career advancement. As well, being part of a web professional community like WOW a beginner can easily find willing mentors to assist them not only with coding questions but also with finding resources for possible job placement.

Up to now nothing has really been serious around Adam and I until last night. Our first semi awkward highly intense moment. I actually felt like I would burst into tears, but I guess he saw what was about to come and calmed me down fast. He tried hard to make sure I was alright before I left but I still felt uneasy and sorta confused. This morning at work I get a text saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to see me tonight. So right now I'm highly anxious, waiting for him to get out of the gym to see what he's planning. I don't know if it's a date or a "talk."

Either way, I've got laundry drying, and my schoolwork caught up. I'm about to jump into the shower. But I needed to get this out.

By the way, I introduced Adam to Brian and Ching yesterday. We had only planned watching Underworld at his place in the afternoon. By the time I had gotten to the west side Brian called to invite me to Abuelo's. I didn't really feel like going but Adam wanted to. Atleast he looked like he did with all the facial expressions and hand gestures he was throwing at me while I was on the phone. It was a great time everyone had fun. I joked and said it would be dangerous putting two geeks (Adam and Brian) together but Adam says Brian is a much bigger geek. Okay, just joking he didn't say that, I did.

Okay, jumping in the shower. To be continued...

Went over to Adam's Wednesday night, met Rustin his friend from back home. Rustin gets gayed on all the the time because Rustin's hair is soft. Have you felt his hair, man. It's so soft. Touch his hair. Hahahahhaaha!

Thursday Adam, Rustin, Craig and I went to Blu. It was pretty laid back in the patio until whoever threw a beer bottle at another whoever. Of course we turned around to see what the ruckus was about but only a glimpse, then we were back to quoting favorite lines from stand-ups.

Friday was just Adam and I. We didn't really plan on going out but I got restless at home. I called him and warned him that I was kidnapping him, (so he could shower and shave and look presentable = ) Took him to Finn's and hung out with Jason, Austin and their friends. We kinda had to leave because of someone being there. Actually took me aback how take charge Adam was when that happened. We were in the middle of the game, he looked at me and asked if I wanted to go, I said yes, and he said "Let's go" and proceeded to get the tab. My hero. We were going to go to the Pumphouse but the line was friggin' long so we went to Liquid instead. I got Lisa and Chris to let us in without a cover so that was nice. We hung out at the bar area with Debbie and Adina until Heather got there and then we hung out at the patio and had awesome conversation. Adam listens well and I found out that night it's because he got his Bachelor's in Psychology. WTF?!!! Yeah he said he was listening because he was trying to analyze me. Wow, I can get a free analyzation just by going out drinking. Awesome! Heather was going through her own rough times and Adam was very comforting in just letting her vent. We went to Denny's after the bar closed and filled our tummies. Well, Heather and I did, Adam just had coffee.

The next day I was supposed to help with the Garage Sale Mom was having. I woke up at 7:30am instead of the 5am I had set my alarm to and texted Brian to tell him I had just woken up. Then I went back to sleep. At 9:30am I finally got up to head home and everyone was glaring at me. Boy! These Alonso's and their glares, I tell you what! It was a pretty eventful day, I finally sold my old furniture for $400 and some old stuff. Dawn and her kids Haley and Amber came over and Dad had barbecue. Just a non typical normal day. (Speaking of barbecue I'm getting hungry.) It was hot outside so we all took turns lounging inside. By the time the whole thing was done with I took a nap. Of course by night time went out again.



I've been out basically every night since Wednesday and I was really feeling it yesterday. But today is a different story. Even though I still stayed out last night 'til bar closing time I woke up this morning in tip top shape. Got straight on the computer and took my first test for on of my online classes. Didn't do too well got a B - note to self study more. Going to get a little blog in and write scribbles for my research assignment on my other class. Smoke. Come back in and post my research and get Lesson 2 ready for next week. Fun stuff.

This week at work is supposed to be hectic but I think I'll be just fine. There's really not that much than can go wrong anymore. Yeah, kinda feel different this whole turn of events. Eli was AIMing me last night and asked me how things had been. I said "Awesome" and "Normal" and he said to make up my mind. I said "Awesomely Normal." I hope it stays that way.

You can't move and still stay? Is that like you can't be at two places at the same time type of thing? I don't really think I'm anywhere right now. I do believe it's harder for everyone all the indecisiveness in the air. I always say make a decision and stick to it. Guess I'll have to stick with mine. Sometimes you know it's too late, and sometimes you know it's not. But of course you respect the other party, because it hurts - both of you - "you've said things you can't take back."

And it's nice that I've found someone that wishes me good morning everyday, and is supportive enough to know when I'm craving attention and how to deal with it, knows when to tell me I can keep going and make it, or when to say "go to the file room and sleep." This is what I was looking for right? Someone who understands my issues and can support me emotionally. But I think maybe this isn't what I need.

I say don't live with your regrets, and I don't. Regrets come by, I wave them away, and deal with them on my own terms. However emotional baggages from past relationships can really hurt people, I've seen this happen firsthand, so the best I can hope for is being able to let go this heavy burden before I set of to find whatever lies ahead.

You make your bed, and you lie in it. Here's mine. Whatever doubts I have, I have to see this through because this is what I fought for. For better or for worse I've only got myself, since I can't move back I might as well see what the next place has in store.

p.s. thank you for the good times, the bad times, and all the memories. thanks for being the person I have to live without. you've made me who I am.

So instead of studying I'm taking MySpace quizes. Hahahahahahahaha! Check it out! That's me in two hours hopefully, minus the beach.

What Kinda Kiss R U?

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

Officially single. Yes I am. I don't say this with any sigh of relief, just one of things you shrug your shoulders about and keep walking away from. This past week has been a cluster of mixed emotions and with everything that went on, it was hard to put a lot of things into perspective. I'd like to acknowledge everyone involved for being strong, staying logical, and making it out alive.

I said some days back in half soberness that June is going to be my month. I knew it, and I knew it had something to do with all of this. I think this marks a milestone in my life when I truly know what I want. I want normalcy. I want to be half of a great relationship. I want to be able to come home and leave everyone else behind. I want to be someone's priority and that person will be mine likewise. It's a simple goal, but so hard to attain.

It's hard knowing you wasted a couple years for someone that never really cared but life goes on, and the time you spend regretting is just more time you're wasting. It's time I stop sacrificing my feelings for someone who'd never sacrifice for me. Atleast that's how I'm justifying it.

Regardless I might be posting some good news soon. I can feel it. And stay tuned for pictures.

Blog deleted.

Blog deleted.

How was it? It looked familiar. The movie was mildly disappointing. Feeling frustration for an hour and a half while the two main characters play mind games with each other wasn't worth the crappy ending. But it's probably how it would have ended in real life, so....Art imitating life?

Regardless, I'll wait for the Keanu Reeves-Sandra Bullock movie on its way out. Now that one looked promising.

1. It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy

2. He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I memorized this poem for a reason but somehow it never gets applied to my life. I'm a new kind of idiot.

Let Go and Let God - Anonymous

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend

But then instead of leaving him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own

At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," he said, "what could I do?
You never did let go."

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 68% on Combativeness

You scored higher than 89% on Sneakiness

You scored higher than 65% on Intellect

You scored higher than 75% on Spirituality

I can't miss it! I've been googling it left and right since I received me email alert from mtv.com. I have a problem, but I can't quit.

It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.


That's a James Blunt song, I saw him perform this morning for Good Morning America, I think. It's an awesome song, so I thought I'd share.

Ching fixed the layout. This is not what I had intended but I do believe it's much prettier. Leave it to Ching to impose her artistic opinion on you when you've no other choice because you can't read CSS. Hahahahahaha! To top it off she started trying to teach me. Nooooooo! Geez! Is she starting to sound like Dad or what? I kept hearing, "It's time you learn." What a nightmare. The only out I had was that I had brought pecan tarts home that morning and she would stop talking everytime she shoved one in her mouth. Sweet deal though, huh? Pecan tarts bought me a new layout.

Oh, and I did finally get to see X3: The Last Stand. It was kickin' like the first two but a was mildly disappointed on several aspects. First the fact that this is possibly the last one, (Please God, no!) the fact the Jean Grey had to die, Rogue turned human, which in the cartoon she actually started keeping other mutants' powers permanently when she kills them so her character evolves more, and that the Angel didn't have more of a role. But I cried during the movie just like I did last time. Good job!

BTW, when did Ben Foster turn into a freakin' stud. This is unsettling. Wasn't he, like, the geeky neighbor from that old Disney series Flash Forward? Let's see...





Same kid, right? Disturbing. Is it time to start searching out all the dweebs I passed up in middle school? Surely not, I saw one of them recently and there wasn't any transformation of this caliber. And I seriously love Angel's jeans, he is a fashionable mutant. To be honest I could have picked a more close-up shot for the older Ben Foster, but it would've totally not shown his current buffness and those rocking jeans. I'm sorry I felt the world had to see.

Sing along time (remember to shake head side to side in time with beat, thank you): Ready? Click!




"Scar" MISSY HIGGINS

He left a card, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush next to a note
That said "use these down to your bones"
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats, she smelled like sugar and
spoke like the sea
And she told me don't trust them, trust me
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one, looked at my insides clicking
her tongue and said
"This will all have to come undone"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time, although my old self was hard to find
You bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?


*********************
Driving home this morning I thought, "I will change my domain name, it will expire soon! I will get new template! Mwa hahahahahaha!" Sat down in front of PC. Can't write code. Stupid! Stupid! Nyum! Nyum! Mr. Pac-Man eats all negative thoughts and I'm fine. Will go back to bed and wait for Ching to wake up, she will fix. Mwa hahahahahahah!

So real vivid like the dream goes like this - I'm running around planning my wedding with Guy A (hahahahahha....yeah, here we go again) and in the meantime somehow I end up kissing Guy B and maybe I fell asleep on my arm but everything got dizzying and I thought "now this is how it supposed to feel". Then it flashes back and it's the day of the wedding and some girl is helping me get ready and I close the door and tell her something is wrong, I'm in love with someone else.

Weird? Yeah. WTF!?! Maybe my subconscious is telling me I'm just unhappy and has nothing do it with Guy A or Guy B. Guy B is just someone that's always been there for me, so yeah if I was unhappy he'd be the first person I'd think of running to.

Oh yeah, and in my waking Guy A has just informed me he's unhappy (as well) and wants to end the relationship. I was hesistant at first but then it clicked - this is what I've been waiting for.

Crap! I have to pick up my stuff after work and I'll have to see him and depending on his mood I might bump into a violent tyrant or a begging baby. Oh, man! Maybe I should solicit some friends to drive up there with me to prevent the situation from escalating. I really don't want to be stuck anymore.

The MySpace account has been deleted for many reasons. Most importantly it frees up more time. Simultaneous blogging was getting a tad too tedious. I've signed up with Bolt.com to host my videos so hopefully I can share some with everybody soon. I already have Logan's soccer game on video at LoganCannady.Blogspot.Com which is the cutest video ever. Also in less than 2 weeks my summer classes will be starting. The classes are paid for and books are on their way. Meanwhile work is piling up so I best be cutting this short.

There's no poetry in your reason

No sentiment in your art

No passion in your sex

No true love for your heart

I cannot remedy this ailment

I'm no angel for your hell

Just another lost soul

I can only look out for myself

The weekend was hectic. I called in from work Monday. Tuesday was spent catching up. Wednesday I was caught up and I put in for a new position for a new department they're putting together. Today I have the interview for that spot. Ahhhhhh! Tomorrow is Pay Day Friday and Riverfest day (and jeans day.) Not too bad I suppose.

weather
Originally uploaded by _crankymonkey.

What a wonderful look ahead! And work is paying us to visit the Riverfest Friday on chartered buses and all. Life is good.

After a long month of running around preparing for it, it finally came and it was a blast. Starting from the actual ceremony, a tiny get together at Old Chicago and the much anticipated house party the whole weekend rocked. I'm sure the picture taking stopped aroun 8pm when most of the guests arrived and order faded away. I had fun and by the time I was double fisting a plastic cup of sangria and a plastic cup of champagne I had forgotten all about...well everything. Woohoo! Some of Ching's friends brought little pre-teens that kept singing YMCA over and over and over again through Karaoke that they actually sucked the rest of us in eventually. And at one point I was in the patio thinking I had broken Dad's screen door debating on whether I should tell or not, Ray talking about "ninja-rigging" and just to finally find out it had been broken all the while and Dad already knew about it. Whew! To be hones I'm still recovering so here are the pictures fromt he ceremony and of the house before anyone got there...