Thursday, July 28, 2005
The Challenge:
To build better stability a friend gave me a challenge:
1. No smoking or drinking until the weekends
2. No more meds.
3. Realize that my drama is something I caused therefore I need to let that go as well - or is it no drama until the weekends :P
Which poses a couple questions: Since I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off, is that my weekend?And if I don't take me meds how will I prevent the drama?
He says he'll check up on me, I promised to log everyday, so maybe he can clarify more but for now, I'm taking Friday and Saturday off since I already went out Wednesday and Thursday. We'll take the meds during emergency purposes only so I'll need to keep that around.
Some may want to make bets on this and how long this lasts. He gave me a six month period. Everyone knows my lack of discipline, help keep me in line.
1. No smoking or drinking until the weekends
2. No more meds.
3. Realize that my drama is something I caused therefore I need to let that go as well - or is it no drama until the weekends :P
Which poses a couple questions: Since I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off, is that my weekend?And if I don't take me meds how will I prevent the drama?
He says he'll check up on me, I promised to log everyday, so maybe he can clarify more but for now, I'm taking Friday and Saturday off since I already went out Wednesday and Thursday. We'll take the meds during emergency purposes only so I'll need to keep that around.
Some may want to make bets on this and how long this lasts. He gave me a six month period. Everyone knows my lack of discipline, help keep me in line.
posted by Jenni #
10:30 PM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
An excerpt:
From a far away hidden blog that no one will ever care to see comes an entry still dear and near to my heart...
This new found uncensored glory comes with a hint of sadness. No one is pissed because there's no one left that cares. Nearly 25 yrs old and I'm just looking for someone to pick me up and comfort me. I don't know what to do when I lose. I've never completely lost anything, I never throw anything away. And I never learned how to let go of anything or anyone I ever cared about.
I didn't throw anyone away, mind you. Everyone around me knew what was going on. I'm transparent like that. Though forced to keep the problems IN the relationship, and told not to discuss it, little things slipped out. I have grown up being an open book, with nothing to hide, it was hard keeping secrets. So everyone knew that my cherished relationship was turning to shit. Who's to say why, and really
who would care to know. It's gone, and all that's left for me to do is stand back and realize a new day is coming and it's better to focus on that now. (Sometimes this is easier said than done.)
Yet after all the damage caused I still stand, and that in itself is a source of strength. Would you call me cocky if I rose to announce "no one can bring me down," or would you see it as truth that we all have authority on each of our destinies? Our paths waver only when we allow them to.
Moving to America I packed my books with me, (I never throw anything away,) and one of them was called Tough Time Never Last but Tough People Do. The book has brought me comfort many times in the past and it has come to the rescue yet again. I'm not a very religious person, but the book was written by a minister so it will have some references to God. Whether you believe in God or not I'll share a poem from the book and hopefully you can carry this with you for your tough times to come -
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend
But then instead of leaving him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," he said, "what could I do?
You never did let go."
The author of the book has a name and I think he is the writer of the poem as well though I cannot confirm that right now, I'm not at home. To tell you the truth I've memorized this poem since I was 10 yrs old. It's made that much of an impact on me. Now and then I get distracted and greedy and hold on to things I know are not meant to be mine. There's peace in being able to find solace in those words though when the end of the rope is reached and there's no longer a choice but to let go.
posted by Jenni #
4:45 PM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
A long blog for catching up....
First, about two weekends ago...Misty's bday shindig at the Pub. Misty is Ching's friend so I'm not posting her pics here just pics of me, Jacob, Brian and Ching.
Jacob has been working out a lot... Even Ching noticed he lost weight. I thought he was adorable before now he's hot. I wish I had a hot friend to hook him up with, but by now I think he's hooking up enough on his own.
Then the week after, the reason for all the overtime, my new car.
Notice I'm using the tag from my old car. To all you stalkers don't get funny ideas, I just got a new tag today. Leave me and my car alone!
Of course, all the overtime I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the middle of a workday. Saw the doctor who prescribed new meds which didn't settle that well. I had to call in Saturday, still feeling awful from throwing up the night before but having the opportunity to go to my son's bday I decided to suck it up. I didn't let anyone, but Mom, know at the time how sick I really was because everyone already thinks I'm unstable as it is. Here are some pics, not many of me but I got some cuddling time with my boy.
I have some pictures I took from the disposable cam that Matt provided at the party which is still at WalMart waiting to be picked up. I guess more to come soon. These pics were taken some by Mom and some by Ching. My family is big on Kodak moments.
Having two sick days in a row didn't help my financial situation. All the overtime (I put in 22 hrs in a week to be exact) was all for nought. So I'm back to square one. I felt distraught when I saw my paycheck this morning, and started regretting not putting in more hours for yesterday and today, but Ray put me at ease. Yesterday Ray and I took Logan out. We mainly played at Chuckie Cheese's. At home Logan shared his GameCube with Ray, and in turn Ray shared his PSP. They're so cute on each other. Ray says you can't buy days like that and I realized how right he was. I'm glad I have Ray to keep me sane.
Thanks to you Ray as well for taking all the pics.
So maybe I don't have enough money to pay for my car registration, my car insurance, and still have left over for groceries. But guess what! I have 160 tickets to go towards a real big prize. All I need is 50 more tokens to get more tickets, and 50 tokens is only $10. So that donate button to the left, use it.
As a recap, I stopped taking the new meds after it made me throw up my dinner, I'm still taking my regular meds but I find it's only necessary when Logan's not around. I also realized that with all my bitching about what I have to put up with being around Ray, I am full of shit. The man will stop time when I call crying, he's on my side when I feel picked upon, and he's the only one that has achieved in convincing me that reality is not anything I should be running from. The reality is I'm surrounded by people that have sheltered and pampered me through all my manic bipolarness.
So when I make a scrapbook of my blessings, it's looks like this blog. No pics of Mom and Dad, but they're the biggest part because they take care of Logan for me, especially when I drift off into my irresponsible mode. And I now Ching and Brian have my back too, even though they pick on me A LOT. And I have friends that I can just run to and hug and call and cry too and they never wonder anymore why I'm up and down all the time because they love me just the way I am. And Ray because time and time again he's shown he'll do anything to keep me happy. That's all I need. Now, reality is not that bad.
I hope I stay in this mind frame. I'm sober right now, I guess you can call it that. I haven't popped a single pill since Tuesday. Of course, I took three Tuesday but that was dramatic for me. Really. We won't even get into that.
Jacob has been working out a lot... Even Ching noticed he lost weight. I thought he was adorable before now he's hot. I wish I had a hot friend to hook him up with, but by now I think he's hooking up enough on his own.
Then the week after, the reason for all the overtime, my new car.
Notice I'm using the tag from my old car. To all you stalkers don't get funny ideas, I just got a new tag today. Leave me and my car alone!
Of course, all the overtime I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the middle of a workday. Saw the doctor who prescribed new meds which didn't settle that well. I had to call in Saturday, still feeling awful from throwing up the night before but having the opportunity to go to my son's bday I decided to suck it up. I didn't let anyone, but Mom, know at the time how sick I really was because everyone already thinks I'm unstable as it is. Here are some pics, not many of me but I got some cuddling time with my boy.
I have some pictures I took from the disposable cam that Matt provided at the party which is still at WalMart waiting to be picked up. I guess more to come soon. These pics were taken some by Mom and some by Ching. My family is big on Kodak moments.
Having two sick days in a row didn't help my financial situation. All the overtime (I put in 22 hrs in a week to be exact) was all for nought. So I'm back to square one. I felt distraught when I saw my paycheck this morning, and started regretting not putting in more hours for yesterday and today, but Ray put me at ease. Yesterday Ray and I took Logan out. We mainly played at Chuckie Cheese's. At home Logan shared his GameCube with Ray, and in turn Ray shared his PSP. They're so cute on each other. Ray says you can't buy days like that and I realized how right he was. I'm glad I have Ray to keep me sane.
Thanks to you Ray as well for taking all the pics.
So maybe I don't have enough money to pay for my car registration, my car insurance, and still have left over for groceries. But guess what! I have 160 tickets to go towards a real big prize. All I need is 50 more tokens to get more tickets, and 50 tokens is only $10. So that donate button to the left, use it.
As a recap, I stopped taking the new meds after it made me throw up my dinner, I'm still taking my regular meds but I find it's only necessary when Logan's not around. I also realized that with all my bitching about what I have to put up with being around Ray, I am full of shit. The man will stop time when I call crying, he's on my side when I feel picked upon, and he's the only one that has achieved in convincing me that reality is not anything I should be running from. The reality is I'm surrounded by people that have sheltered and pampered me through all my manic bipolarness.
So when I make a scrapbook of my blessings, it's looks like this blog. No pics of Mom and Dad, but they're the biggest part because they take care of Logan for me, especially when I drift off into my irresponsible mode. And I now Ching and Brian have my back too, even though they pick on me A LOT. And I have friends that I can just run to and hug and call and cry too and they never wonder anymore why I'm up and down all the time because they love me just the way I am. And Ray because time and time again he's shown he'll do anything to keep me happy. That's all I need. Now, reality is not that bad.
I hope I stay in this mind frame. I'm sober right now, I guess you can call it that. I haven't popped a single pill since Tuesday. Of course, I took three Tuesday but that was dramatic for me. Really. We won't even get into that.
posted by Jenni #
6:00 PM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Amidst the chaos...
...I take a break to get to know myself better. Here are the results! (Drum roll please -)
YOU ARE AN AMBIVALENT
YOUR CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
Your childhood experiences show that you are an Ambivalent. As a child, you probably received plenty of love and affection from your parents but were also allowed to form your own sense of independence. Your parents may have upset you and let you down at times, but your childhood needs were essentially met. Therefore, as an adult, you have traits that are common in both Isolators and Fusers, two polar opposites. This means that your relationship style includes many interesting contradictions. You've been known to both push people away and expect them to dote on you at the same time. Freedom is just as appealing to you as being showered with affection.
YOUR PERFECT PARTNER
As an Ambivalent, you're uniquely qualified to have a successful relationship with a partner from either category: Fusers or Isolators.
In your case, "happily ever after" depends on which role you find yourself adopting more often. If you're usually the outgoing one in the relationship, often seeking affection and attention, you're more of a Fuser. This means that your perfect partner is actually your opposite type, an Isolator. You may have guessed just the contrary, that your best match would be someone who would shower you with all the love and affection you crave. But happiness for you means partnering with someone who will respect your privacy and support you when you want to do independent activities, much like your parents did.
If you're often a private person who likes her space, you're more of an Isolator. This means that your perfect partner is actually your opposite type, a Fuser. Contrary to what you might have thought, your best match is not someone who gives you all the space and freedom you crave. Instead, your best bet for long-term happiness is partnering with someone who dotes on you, someone who shows his affection and expresses his emotions easily and often, just as your parents did.
posted by Jenni #
5:22 PM
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Pre-Post:
I won't be blogging tomorrow like I usually do. (Normally, I have Wednesday's and Thursday's off.) Tomorrow morning I'll be taking Logan shopping for his bday presents. My son is turning 5 years old tomorrow. It's the anniversary of when we first met. Matt has plans with him as well so by noon I have to take him back to Derby. For the afternoon I'll be catching up with overtime.
Like I said, I've been trying to get as much hours in as I can. If I planned ahead like normal people I would have worked overtime already all of last month and have extra money around, I'd still be working overtime now but atleast I don't have to feel like I have to so much. Anyway, I'm working a full 8 hour shift Thursday, I cut the hours short Wednesday so I can spend time with Logan seeing as how I can't attend his actual shindig on Saturday. Boohoo!
Anyway, I just wanted to check in here. A little update to let everyone know where I am. I'm not dead, nor am I, as most think, FINALLY in rehab - just trying to take care of business.
Like I said, I've been trying to get as much hours in as I can. If I planned ahead like normal people I would have worked overtime already all of last month and have extra money around, I'd still be working overtime now but atleast I don't have to feel like I have to so much. Anyway, I'm working a full 8 hour shift Thursday, I cut the hours short Wednesday so I can spend time with Logan seeing as how I can't attend his actual shindig on Saturday. Boohoo!
Anyway, I just wanted to check in here. A little update to let everyone know where I am. I'm not dead, nor am I, as most think, FINALLY in rehab - just trying to take care of business.
posted by Jenni #
8:22 PM
Monday, July 11, 2005
So there we have it...
I've been real busy this past week trying to replace Kitty (my beloved 95 Ford Contour,) I sort of neglected the site.
After visiting several dealers, and calling on several newspaper ads I realized that Sales is a sheisty business. Ray got me a good deal with his friend's fiancee's car, though. I'm so happy. I got a 2001 Honda CR-V 4WD SE, fully loaded, 63k miles, sunroof and leather interior. And for the first time ever, I own a car with an alarm system. w00t! It's has some cosmetic damages, like a scratch on the bumper where someone backed up into it, and some scratches on the wheel casing on the back, but all these things can be fixed for about $600 that includes having a new bumper and wheel casing painted to match the car. (Or so Ray says.)
Now that I have the car driven home I need to worry about: 1) Paying it off 2) Paying for the car tag 3) Paying for insurance 4) Getting an oil change because the previous owner's advised me it was due for one and 5) Getting some gas in it because the previous owners "timed it just right"
I've been working a lot of overtime too. Notice most of the list above consists of things to pay for. I think that's the most important thing. So lately I've been laying low, staying at home, trying not to spend more money, and working hours to get more money. Money doesn't buy you happiness they say, well it really does make it worse when you're parents are stressed and your boyfriend is stressed and it's all YOUR fault. Hmmm... I think I have to grow up now, there's no other choice. Sorry ladies and gents can't party hardy anymore.
Well, I dunno, ring me...maybe I can be swayed otherwise.
P.S. Need new car name - GO!
After visiting several dealers, and calling on several newspaper ads I realized that Sales is a sheisty business. Ray got me a good deal with his friend's fiancee's car, though. I'm so happy. I got a 2001 Honda CR-V 4WD SE, fully loaded, 63k miles, sunroof and leather interior. And for the first time ever, I own a car with an alarm system. w00t! It's has some cosmetic damages, like a scratch on the bumper where someone backed up into it, and some scratches on the wheel casing on the back, but all these things can be fixed for about $600 that includes having a new bumper and wheel casing painted to match the car. (Or so Ray says.)
Now that I have the car driven home I need to worry about: 1) Paying it off 2) Paying for the car tag 3) Paying for insurance 4) Getting an oil change because the previous owner's advised me it was due for one and 5) Getting some gas in it because the previous owners "timed it just right"
I've been working a lot of overtime too. Notice most of the list above consists of things to pay for. I think that's the most important thing. So lately I've been laying low, staying at home, trying not to spend more money, and working hours to get more money. Money doesn't buy you happiness they say, well it really does make it worse when you're parents are stressed and your boyfriend is stressed and it's all YOUR fault. Hmmm... I think I have to grow up now, there's no other choice. Sorry ladies and gents can't party hardy anymore.
Well, I dunno, ring me...maybe I can be swayed otherwise.
P.S. Need new car name - GO!
posted by Jenni #
9:01 PM
Monday, July 04, 2005
Let's Vote On This:
I'm a little clueless when it comes to cars, so I gathered some pictures of cars that looked pretty, and I'm posting their features and stats for everyone else who's car savvy to peruse. I'm hoping to get some feedback on which would suit me best. Yes, I need something economical, practical and closer to "I'm broke" price range, but as well please keep into consideration which color I can easily dress to match, which size I can park easier or pack more friends into, and which car will withstand the test of time considering my driving style. On your mark, get set...GO!
Vehicle : 2000 Toyota 4Runner Limited
Bodystyle: Suv 4wd
Color: Silver,
Mileage: 78,222 Miles
Engine: 3.4 liter V-6 Fuel Injected
Transmission: Automatic With Overdrive
Warranty: Yes
VIN # JT3HN87R7Y9037114
Options and Accessories :
Power Sunroof
Air Conditioning
Cruise Control
Power Door Locks
Power Windows
Cassette Player
Clock
Trip Odometer
Tachometer
Tilt Steering Wheel
Interval Wipers
Rear Defroster
Console
Front Bucket Seats
Power Passenger Seat
Climate Control
Leather Upholstery
Rear Window Wiper
Fold Down Rear Seat
Sunroof Cover
Child-proof Locks
Step Bumper
Luggage Rack
Running Boards
AM/FM Stereo Radio Compact Disc Player
Power Mirrors
Power Driver's Seat
Towing Pkg
Anti-lock Braking System
Alloy Wheels
Driver Side Air Bag
Passenger Side Air Bag
Vehicle: 1999 Honda Civic EX
Bodystyle: 4 Dr Sedan
Color: Bright White,
Mileage: 78,371 Miles
Engine: 1.6 liter 4 Cyl. Fuel Injected
Transmission: Automatic
Warranty: Yes
VIN # 1HGEJ8642XL060349
Options and Accessories :
Power Sunroof
Air Conditioning
Cruise Control
Power Door Locks
Power Windows
Clock
Trip Odometer
Tachometer
Tilt Steering Wheel
Interval Wipers
Rear Defroster
Remote Trunk Lid
Remote Fuel Door
Console
Front Bucket Seats
Cloth Upholstery
Deluxe Wheel Covers
Fold Down Rear Seat
Sunroof Cover
Child-proof Locks
AM/FM Stereo Radio
Rear Spoiler
Compact Disc Player
Power Mirrors
Driver Side Air Bag
Passenger Side Air Bag
Vehicle: 1998 Ford Mustang GT
Bodystyle: Convertible
Color: Black
Mileage: 79,082 Miles
Engine: 4.6 liter V-8 Fuel Injected
Transmission: Automatic With Overdrive
Warranty: Yes
VIN # 1FAFP45X6WF276150
Options and Accessories:
Air Conditioning
Cruise Control
Power Door Locks
Power Windows
Cassette Player
Gauge Cluster
Clock
Trip Odometer
Tachometer
Tilt Steering Wheel
Interval Wipers
Rear Defroster
Console
Front Bucket Seats
Leather Upholstery
AM/FM Stereo
Radio
Rear Spoiler
Compact Disc Player
Power Mirrors
Power Driver's Seat
Power Conv. Top
Alloy Wheels
Driver Side Air Bag
Passenger Side Air Bag
Vehicle: 1995 Ford Mustang
Bodystyle: 2 Dr Convertible
Color: Bright White
Mileage: 60,540 Miles
Engine: 3.8 liter V-6 Fuel Injected
Transmission: Automatic
Warranty: Yes
VIN # 1FALP4447SF202515
Options and Accessories:
Air Conditioning
Cruise Control
Power Door Locks
Power Windows
Cassette Player
Gauge Cluster
Clock
Trip Odometer
Tachometer
Tilt Steering Wheel
Interval Wipers
Rear Defroster
Console
Front Bucket Seats
Cloth Upholstery
AM/FM Stereo Radio
Power Mirrors
Power Driver's Seat
Power Conv. Top
Alloy Wheels Driver
Side Air Bag
Passenger Side Air Bag
posted by Jenni #
9:40 AM