And what's really sad is that he's bringing me down with him. Everyone knows the trials I've been trough putting up with The Ex. I thought I could put that all behind me, and was looking forward to finally getting back to normal. Everyone that's seen me lately knows how much happier I've been. It was really looking like I could put this all behind me especially after he called me at work and stated that he was fine everything was okay. Sure he called me right after work that same day and had another melt-down, which we're all used to, but he immediately turned around and stated that it was only because he was lonely. So fine, I understand that, people get lonely. I think if it wasn't for Adam I'd go a little crazy myself. But then he calls and starts harrassing me again this weekend, first he wanted to get back together and even asked me to marry him, which should have totally tripped my "your crazy" alarm, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually indulged in the idea that maybe it could work. When it became clear that I couldn't choose him over Adam he went absolutely beserk! Yeah, I know, everyone has told me so, I'm an idiot. Regardless, I think it's finally over. Before I was scared of saying anything wrong to set him off, but today was the last straw and maybe I did do some crazy things and said hurtful things but I believe they were necessary to get him off my back.

It's sad that he cannot be grown enough to just leave things alone, which is why I might have to put this site under construction. It's seriously come to a point that I feel I have to hide to avoid him. I might even have to change my number which sucks because ever since he broke my last phone I haven't fully recovered everyone's numbers. (If I haven't called lately call me so I can jot your number down.) Right now I just can't handle all this drama. I have to concentrate on school and work, and I have a new relationship I'm trying to start without all this BS.

I'm grateful Adam has been totally supportive so far. He's not been totally inquisitve when I walk in just absolutely worn down by everything The Ex has put me through. Just the usual "Is he going crazy again?" and I nod and it's understood that the phone will be blowing up with messages all night. What else can we do but ride this out? Eventually he'll find someone else to torture. At this point I'm wishing his ex prior would have wanted him back. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck with this dilemma. But at that point she probably already knew better. Live and learn.

Let's not confuse (or alarm anyone) I didn't get a puppy, Adam did and he is absolutely adorable (I'm talking about the puppy.)

Sagittarius

Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Any discouraging signs you've been seeing lately shouldn't get you down -- the road you're on has quite a few twists and turns, and you need to be ready to take them as they come. Things are way better than you think right now, so what's with this cloud of gloom and doom? Flush it out with a healthy dose of good humor and you can get back on track with a brighter attitude. You are much closer to your goal than you realize, so keep on going.

I called Adam this morning and found out that he ended up taking the dog he was looking at yesterday home. We've been text messaging back and forth on names and such. Actually he's in training and being naughty, so he's in trouble because I told him to stop texting dirty things and wait until after work. Anyway I think he settled on naming the puppy Duke. What a geeky name but he did get adopted by the best guy possible so...lucky dog! After work I'm going to buy Duke a welcome home present and go to visit, maybe I can train him to attack Molly on site.

Also The Lake House is coming out this Friday which I've been waiting on for awhile. I'm gonna beg Adam to take me so he can watch me cry. Hahahahahha!

I've got homework and stuff but it's all pretty easy so no worries. I might even go swimming this weekend, I've been wanting to since the garage sale at Mom's. The stickiness stayed with me.

Anyway, I'm taking the camera to take pics of Adam and Duke so maybe Becky will get to see more pics and finally make up her mind. Y'know that's all I've been waiting on.

The research assignment I've been complaining about finally turned in at 1:09am. I'm so kickin' I felt I should share...

Message no. 56

Author: Jennifer Alonso

Date: Tuesday, June 13, 2006 1:19am

http://www.joinwow.com

The purpose seems to be to create a community setting for webmasters of all levels encouraging continued education through articles, certification programs, forums, etc. Even if the coder decided not to take advantage of the certification programs they can keep up on the latest trends in programming through online discussions and tutorials.

Membership pricing:
Student $49
Govt/Education $69
Individual $89
Corporate - not noted must contact assigned member.

What caught my eye more are the certification programs which I feel could aid in accelerating my career advancement. As well, being part of a web professional community like WOW a beginner can easily find willing mentors to assist them not only with coding questions but also with finding resources for possible job placement.

Up to now nothing has really been serious around Adam and I until last night. Our first semi awkward highly intense moment. I actually felt like I would burst into tears, but I guess he saw what was about to come and calmed me down fast. He tried hard to make sure I was alright before I left but I still felt uneasy and sorta confused. This morning at work I get a text saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to see me tonight. So right now I'm highly anxious, waiting for him to get out of the gym to see what he's planning. I don't know if it's a date or a "talk."

Either way, I've got laundry drying, and my schoolwork caught up. I'm about to jump into the shower. But I needed to get this out.

By the way, I introduced Adam to Brian and Ching yesterday. We had only planned watching Underworld at his place in the afternoon. By the time I had gotten to the west side Brian called to invite me to Abuelo's. I didn't really feel like going but Adam wanted to. Atleast he looked like he did with all the facial expressions and hand gestures he was throwing at me while I was on the phone. It was a great time everyone had fun. I joked and said it would be dangerous putting two geeks (Adam and Brian) together but Adam says Brian is a much bigger geek. Okay, just joking he didn't say that, I did.

Okay, jumping in the shower. To be continued...

Went over to Adam's Wednesday night, met Rustin his friend from back home. Rustin gets gayed on all the the time because Rustin's hair is soft. Have you felt his hair, man. It's so soft. Touch his hair. Hahahahhaaha!

Thursday Adam, Rustin, Craig and I went to Blu. It was pretty laid back in the patio until whoever threw a beer bottle at another whoever. Of course we turned around to see what the ruckus was about but only a glimpse, then we were back to quoting favorite lines from stand-ups.

Friday was just Adam and I. We didn't really plan on going out but I got restless at home. I called him and warned him that I was kidnapping him, (so he could shower and shave and look presentable = ) Took him to Finn's and hung out with Jason, Austin and their friends. We kinda had to leave because of someone being there. Actually took me aback how take charge Adam was when that happened. We were in the middle of the game, he looked at me and asked if I wanted to go, I said yes, and he said "Let's go" and proceeded to get the tab. My hero. We were going to go to the Pumphouse but the line was friggin' long so we went to Liquid instead. I got Lisa and Chris to let us in without a cover so that was nice. We hung out at the bar area with Debbie and Adina until Heather got there and then we hung out at the patio and had awesome conversation. Adam listens well and I found out that night it's because he got his Bachelor's in Psychology. WTF?!!! Yeah he said he was listening because he was trying to analyze me. Wow, I can get a free analyzation just by going out drinking. Awesome! Heather was going through her own rough times and Adam was very comforting in just letting her vent. We went to Denny's after the bar closed and filled our tummies. Well, Heather and I did, Adam just had coffee.

The next day I was supposed to help with the Garage Sale Mom was having. I woke up at 7:30am instead of the 5am I had set my alarm to and texted Brian to tell him I had just woken up. Then I went back to sleep. At 9:30am I finally got up to head home and everyone was glaring at me. Boy! These Alonso's and their glares, I tell you what! It was a pretty eventful day, I finally sold my old furniture for $400 and some old stuff. Dawn and her kids Haley and Amber came over and Dad had barbecue. Just a non typical normal day. (Speaking of barbecue I'm getting hungry.) It was hot outside so we all took turns lounging inside. By the time the whole thing was done with I took a nap. Of course by night time went out again.



I've been out basically every night since Wednesday and I was really feeling it yesterday. But today is a different story. Even though I still stayed out last night 'til bar closing time I woke up this morning in tip top shape. Got straight on the computer and took my first test for on of my online classes. Didn't do too well got a B - note to self study more. Going to get a little blog in and write scribbles for my research assignment on my other class. Smoke. Come back in and post my research and get Lesson 2 ready for next week. Fun stuff.

This week at work is supposed to be hectic but I think I'll be just fine. There's really not that much than can go wrong anymore. Yeah, kinda feel different this whole turn of events. Eli was AIMing me last night and asked me how things had been. I said "Awesome" and "Normal" and he said to make up my mind. I said "Awesomely Normal." I hope it stays that way.

You can't move and still stay? Is that like you can't be at two places at the same time type of thing? I don't really think I'm anywhere right now. I do believe it's harder for everyone all the indecisiveness in the air. I always say make a decision and stick to it. Guess I'll have to stick with mine. Sometimes you know it's too late, and sometimes you know it's not. But of course you respect the other party, because it hurts - both of you - "you've said things you can't take back."

And it's nice that I've found someone that wishes me good morning everyday, and is supportive enough to know when I'm craving attention and how to deal with it, knows when to tell me I can keep going and make it, or when to say "go to the file room and sleep." This is what I was looking for right? Someone who understands my issues and can support me emotionally. But I think maybe this isn't what I need.

I say don't live with your regrets, and I don't. Regrets come by, I wave them away, and deal with them on my own terms. However emotional baggages from past relationships can really hurt people, I've seen this happen firsthand, so the best I can hope for is being able to let go this heavy burden before I set of to find whatever lies ahead.

You make your bed, and you lie in it. Here's mine. Whatever doubts I have, I have to see this through because this is what I fought for. For better or for worse I've only got myself, since I can't move back I might as well see what the next place has in store.

p.s. thank you for the good times, the bad times, and all the memories. thanks for being the person I have to live without. you've made me who I am.

So instead of studying I'm taking MySpace quizes. Hahahahahahahaha! Check it out! That's me in two hours hopefully, minus the beach.

What Kinda Kiss R U?

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

Officially single. Yes I am. I don't say this with any sigh of relief, just one of things you shrug your shoulders about and keep walking away from. This past week has been a cluster of mixed emotions and with everything that went on, it was hard to put a lot of things into perspective. I'd like to acknowledge everyone involved for being strong, staying logical, and making it out alive.

I said some days back in half soberness that June is going to be my month. I knew it, and I knew it had something to do with all of this. I think this marks a milestone in my life when I truly know what I want. I want normalcy. I want to be half of a great relationship. I want to be able to come home and leave everyone else behind. I want to be someone's priority and that person will be mine likewise. It's a simple goal, but so hard to attain.

It's hard knowing you wasted a couple years for someone that never really cared but life goes on, and the time you spend regretting is just more time you're wasting. It's time I stop sacrificing my feelings for someone who'd never sacrifice for me. Atleast that's how I'm justifying it.

Regardless I might be posting some good news soon. I can feel it. And stay tuned for pictures.

Blog deleted.

Blog deleted.

How was it? It looked familiar. The movie was mildly disappointing. Feeling frustration for an hour and a half while the two main characters play mind games with each other wasn't worth the crappy ending. But it's probably how it would have ended in real life, so....Art imitating life?

Regardless, I'll wait for the Keanu Reeves-Sandra Bullock movie on its way out. Now that one looked promising.

1. It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy

2. He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I memorized this poem for a reason but somehow it never gets applied to my life. I'm a new kind of idiot.

Let Go and Let God - Anonymous

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend

But then instead of leaving him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own

At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," he said, "what could I do?
You never did let go."