This new found uncensored glory comes with a hint of sadness. No one is pissed because there's no one left that cares. Nearly 25 yrs old and I'm just looking for someone to pick me up and comfort me. I don't know what to do when I lose. I've never completely lost anything, I never throw anything away. And I never learned how to let go of anything or anyone I ever cared about.

I didn't throw anyone away, mind you. Everyone around me knew what was going on. I'm transparent like that. Though forced to keep the problems IN the relationship, and told not to discuss it, little things slipped out. I have grown up being an open book, with nothing to hide, it was hard keeping secrets. So everyone knew that my cherished relationship was turning to shit. Who's to say why, and really
who would care to know. It's gone, and all that's left for me to do is stand back and realize a new day is coming and it's better to focus on that now. (Sometimes this is easier said than done.)

Yet after all the damage caused I still stand, and that in itself is a source of strength. Would you call me cocky if I rose to announce "no one can bring me down," or would you see it as truth that we all have authority on each of our destinies? Our paths waver only when we allow them to.

Moving to America I packed my books with me, (I never throw anything away,) and one of them was called Tough Time Never Last but Tough People Do. The book has brought me comfort many times in the past and it has come to the rescue yet again. I'm not a very religious person, but the book was written by a minister so it will have some references to God. Whether you believe in God or not I'll share a poem from the book and hopefully you can carry this with you for your tough times to come -

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend

But then instead of leaving him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own

At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," he said, "what could I do?
You never did let go."

The author of the book has a name and I think he is the writer of the poem as well though I cannot confirm that right now, I'm not at home. To tell you the truth I've memorized this poem since I was 10 yrs old. It's made that much of an impact on me. Now and then I get distracted and greedy and hold on to things I know are not meant to be mine. There's peace in being able to find solace in those words though when the end of the rope is reached and there's no longer a choice but to let go.

posted by Jenni  # 4:45 PM